She Was Floored When I Told Her

*Lill arrives home from a weekend away*

Lill: Did you and Alfie renovate while I was gone?

Jill: *Raises eyebrow* No…why?

Lill: Since when have there been hardwood floors in my bedroom?

Jill: Originally since our building’s construction in 1995 and, more recently, since I did your laundry and vacuumed yesterday morning.

Lill: …

To Boldly Print

Jill: So NASA is launching a 3D printer into space.

Lill: To build a Death Star?

Jill: *Rolls eyes* No Lill – to replicate tools, spare parts or supplies – anything astronauts might need.


Jill: …Anything like instruments and hardware, yes.

Lill: Heh, I’m thinking ‘Tea, Earl Grey, hot…’

Jill: *Raises eyebrow* Lillian, you do know that Star Trek isn’t real right?

Lill: *Tenting fingers* NASA is sending a replicator into space – just WAIT until the Ferengi find out…

Jill: *Sigh*

No Comment

Jill: Hmm…Popular Science is shutting off their Comments.

Lill: Why?

Jill: The trolls and bots…apparently comments can be bad for science.

Lill: It’s true – the internet is ruining science, but I say it’s a small price to pay for the cat videos.

A Sizable Theorem

Jill: *Squeal* Alfie and I went ring browsing today – it was wonderful.

Lill: *Raises eyebrow* Guys give the biggest diamonds to girlfriends who give the best blowjobs.

Jill: *Sputters* That’s absolutely ridiculous and completely baseless Lillian!

Lill: Not so – it can be mathematically proven, I’ve devised the equation.

Jill: *Crosses arms* Your observation is crude and offensive – this conversation is a complete waste of my time.

Lill: How many carats were you looking at?

Jill: *Hands on hips* Half carats Lillian, we were looking at half carats.

Lill: Hmm…you know you can go to these workshops where they show you –


Wink Wink Nudge Nudge

*Lill calls Jill at work*

Lill: I’m going to be late getting home tonight.

Jill: Detention again?

Lill: *Grumble* I’m being forced to attend a ‘Workplace Sensitivity Meeting’.

Jill: YOU need sensitivity training? It’s preposterous!

Lill: In truth it’s slander – the unjust result of a harmless misunderstanding.

Jill: I see…

Lill: So there’s this guy John from HR who has been compulsively flirting with me since May.

Jill: Inappropriate emails and water-cooler chat?

Lill: No, he winks at me.

Jill: He winks at you…

Lill: Yes.

Jill: How is this offensive? When did winking become a form of sexual harassment?

Lill: He does it EVERY time he see’s me and multiple times if he manages to engage me in conversation – it’s creepy as hell Jillian, especially combined with his lopsided smile, so I lodged a formal complaint.

Jill: What happened?

Lill: The Director of HR informed me that John is happily married with three children…

Jill: Married people still flirt –

Lill: – and that he suffered a minor stroke in April…

Keep Calm And Carry Purell

Lill: I’ve spent $300 at the drugstore in hopes that the bottle of Echinacea, chewable Vitamin C tablets, three boxes of Cold FX, a gallon tub of hand sanitizer I intend on bathing in, and something called ‘lemon zinger’ tea will prevent the inevitable.

Jill: Fighting a cold are we?

Lill: It is the eve before battle Jillian.

Jill: Should I batten down the sofa and prepare the PVR?

Lill: Good plan.

Jill: So what has prompted this strategic offensive?

Lill: I shared a subway train with a troupe of third graders this morning – two of them had noticeably runny noses.

Jill: I see – and as your constitution is that of a fruit fly you are making ready for immune systemic warfare – makes perfect sense.

Lill: *Claps hands* Right, I’m off to quarantine myself in my room with a jar of honey and box of acetaminophen – see you in a few days.

Jill: *Lip trembling* You will write to me won’t you.

Lill: Everyday.

Jill: *Sigh* I’ll slip a hot-water bottle under your door in the evenings.

Lill: I’d be most grateful.

Jill: *Sniff* Well, we all need to do our bit.

Lill: *Fist pump* Victory and phlegm-free living at all costs!

Jill: I shall pray for you Lillian.

Lill: Please do – all I have to carry me onward are the prayers of others.

Jill: I imagine this could be potentially traumatic.

Lill: No doubt.

Jill: Life-threatening even.

Lill: I cannot lie, there might be casualties.

Jill: *Raises eyebrow* One can certainly hope.

But My GPA Still Matters Right?

Jill: Hey, how was work today?

Lill: Fabulous! I scored a new intern.

Jill: Cool – University placement program or recruitment agency?

Lill: Neither, Starbucks.

Jill: *Raises eyebrow*

Lill: Yeah – apparently the morning shift is comprised of two MA’s, one BSc and a PhD in macro economics.

Jill: Hmm…poaching potential business talent from Starbucks – I’ll bet the Economist is writing the article as we speak.

Lill: It’s a sad day when a degree is worth less than a pumpkin spice latte.

Caffeine Labour

*Lill calls Jill at work*

Lill: I’ve had a revelation.

Jill: I have a Board meeting in 10 minutes so this better be Oprah-worthy.

Lill: I just realized that in actuality I participate in a Monday to Friday 9-5 coffee-consumption venture with several ‘work-breaks’ scattered throughout each day – usually one in the morning and a second in the afternoon.

Jill: *Sigh* How are you still employed?

Lill: Well I’m highly efficient during those two twenty minute segments – that counts for something I’m sure – though lately I’ve been spending the first one in the bathroom playing Plants vs. Zombies 2.

Jill: I trust you are aware that when I start my own company as an independent consultant I won’t be hiring you.

Lill: You say that now but just THINK of what I could do for you in twenty minutes a day – plus you could pay me in espresso shots.

Jill: Hmmm…do phone calls count?

Lill: You have to ask?

Homeless Haute Couture

*Jill watching television*

Jill: *Grumble, mumble*

Lill: Problem Jillian? Normally you enjoy watching The Weather Network.

Jill: *Grumble* Fall’s coming.

Lill: Yes Jill – we call it seasonal change.

Jill: *Grumble* Well I’m not looking forward to it.

Lill: Oh agreed – hurricanes, shorter days, nasty cold rain –

Jill: – boyfriends who abruptly stop shaving and start wearing more clothing.

Lill: *Raises eyebrow* …

Jill: It’s a legitimate gripe Lillian!

Lill: And I’m sure said boyfriends are CRAZY about the technicolour leggings, baggy blouses, chest-concealing scarves and mammoth rainboots their girlfriends voluntarily choose to dress themselves in.

Jill: Hmph, my Hunter rainboots are cute – they’re candy apple red.

Lill: Well then the remainder of your baggy and over-sized attire is sure to be complimentary to Alfie’s unshaven scruff.

Jill: *Raises eyebrow* How’s that?

Lill: You’ll be hobos together!

Jill: *Crosses arms* Very funny Lillian.

Lill: *Excited shouting* You can dine out at soup kitchens and spend romantic evenings at the Salvation Army!

Jill: *Walking away* Thank you Lillian.

Lill: *Claps hands* It’ll be the latest date-night craze with the hipster youth of our fine city!

Jill: *Slams bedroom door*

Lill: She always walks away when I get the best ideas…

Remember That Hot TA From CHEM203?

Lill: *Raises eyebrow* It’s 9:30am on a Saturday Jillian…

Jill: *Burp* Your point?

Lill: You appear to be drinking vodka coolers with your granola parfait…

Jill: *Hic* And?

Lill: Your mother must be visiting today.

Jill: *Sigh* She’s taking me shopping – we’re celebrating.

Lill: New botox?

Jill: *Hic* No, new husband.


Jill: Exactly…*Hic*

Lill: Heh, where’d they meet

Jill: No, university reunion.

Lill: I didn’t know your Mom had a degree.

Jill: She doesn’t – it was my reunion.

Lill: *Eyes widen*