Jill: I’m going to visit Lisa this weekend – can you come with?
Lill: Lisa as in your cousin Lisa, as in ‘Hi I drive a Denali with two soul-sucking monsters and live in my Lululemon pants hoping someone will care that my ass is under my armpits because my douchebag husband stopped noticing after the twins were born and a tall blonde named ‘Kimberley’ became his EA’ – Lisa?
Jill: *Cough* Yes…that Lisa.
Jill: *Crosses arms* Why not?
Lill: See above.
Jill: *Grumble* She’s feeding us.
Lill: *Raises eyebrow* Are they still vegans?
Jill: No, I think they’re macrobiotic now.
Jill: Pleeease Lillian – I can’t go and watch her cry her mascara into her pilaf on my own – and besides, last time I went Tom made a pass at me.
Lill: No – and wear a turtleneck.
Jill: Argh, you’re being completely unhelpful here – I require moral support and moderate security on this excursion so you had better give me an actual reason for bailing – your observational commentary only goes so far.
Lill: Fine. I hate the suburbs.
Jill: What?! What the hell kind of reason is that?!
Lill: I experience a highly uncomfortable and, what I’ve come to believe as negative, physiological response when entering suburban territory – specifically on weekends and likely due to the miasmas of fabric softener wafting down each picketed Crescent and Lane.
Jill: *Eyes widen* Fabric softener? Are you kidding me?!
Lill: Try walking between 2 and 6 on a Saturday without a gas mask – you’ll be eating Downy freshness before you reach the mailbox.
Jill: *Sigh* Fine. I give – I’ll go get ready.
*Several minutes later*
Jill: Right, I’m off then – see you later tonight.
Lill: *Sniff* Wait – what perfume are you wearing?
Jill: Oh I’m not actually – you must be smelling the entire bottle of Febreze I just released in your room.
Lill: *Mouth gapes* …
Jill: Linen Fresh!!