Sweet Charity

*Sunday AM*

Jill: Lillian wake up and get dressed! We’re leaving in 10 minutes!

Lill: *Groggy* Wha..?! Why are you waking me up at such an ungodly hour and why are you wearing your hooker spandex?

Jill: *Sigh* They’re running shorts Lillian – and we’re doing the Terry Fox Run today, remember?

Lill: *Yawn* In what inebriated state did you force me into to get my consent for such a ghastly activity? Me, RUN?! Have you been eating your lipgloss? The notion is barbaric Jillian – you’re clearly lying and using my drowsiness to con me into doing something both healthy AND charitable – two life pursuits I work very hard to avoid at all times.

Jill: *Raises eyebrow* I have a copy of your registration form here plus a signed and dated contract of consent drafted by my legal associate from work – it’s also been witnessed by Darren. There’s a smoothie for you on the counter – I’ll be waiting in the lobby with your running shoes.

Lill: *Eyes widen* This can’t be happening, this can’t…

*Lillian wakes up from her nightmare*

Lill: *Panting* Oh God, that was terrifying…

Jill: Lillian wake up! Have you seen my running shorts?

Lill: *Eyes widen*

Jill: I made you a smoothie – are you getting up?

Lill: *Hiding under covers* No – no you can’t make me! I won’t do it!

Jill: The Run? I know Lill, you don’t have to – you collected over $500 from your office so you could stay home today read crap books and eat your weight in doughnuts while I did the run.

Lill: So…so there’s no contract? No running shoes?

Jill: Erm…contract?! No, not that I’m aware of…and I don’t think you actually own a pair of running shoes.

Lill: *Claps hands* You’re right! I don’t! Isn’t it MARVELOUS?!

Jill: *Leaving* Riiight, I’m going now – thanks again for collecting those donations. Enjoy your cowboy werewolves and Boston Creams.

*Jill shuts the door*

Lill: Meh, so I’m charitable for a day – at least I still get to eat my doughnuts.


Begging Banter

Lill: Hey Jill, can I borrow 20 dollars?

Jill: *Crosses arms* Why do you always use the word ‘borrow’ when what you REALLY mean is ‘take-without-any-real-intent-to-return’?

Lill: ‘Borrow’ implies possible repayment so there’s a greater chance of you actually lending me the cash.

Jill: Fine – why then do you always ask to ‘borrow‘ my money wearing your bleach-stained Adidas hoody from twelfth grade that’s missing its string and that pair of jeans you got from Sears annex with one leg shorter than the other?

Lill: It stands to reason that my shabby appearance will render me more hopeless and pathetic, signalling my neediness and encouraging your spirit of charity.

Jill: And the Cockney-orphan accent?

Lill: Dickensian manipulation.

Jill: *Sigh* You do actually have an occupation – a rather lucrative one last time I checked.

Lill: *Raises eyebrow* Yes but I require THOSE monies for my…projects…

Jill: So what do you need the twenty bucks for?

Lill: The grocery store is selling Halloween candy already and I need to stock up.

Jill: *Face palm* I’m living with a child.

Lill: *Grins*

Jill: *Throws arms up* Argh, fine here’s a ten – now leave before I break our lease and sell you to the Portuguese family down the hall.

Lill: *Cough* Erm…Please, sir, I want some more.

Jill: OUT!!!!

Sleepy Beauty

*Jill returns home from work*

Jill: *Yawns* I’m exhausted.

Lill: *Reading magazine* You’re working too hard.

Jill: *Crosses arms* You always say that – I work what I’m contracted to work with occasional overtime and weekends.

Lill: For the past six weeks you’ve downed over 600 caramel lattes, ordered 8 pizzas, and consumed 3 bottles of extra-strength Tylenol.

Jill: *Raises eyebrow” This is worrying indeed…

Lill: I know – over-medicating can lead to serious addiction issues.

Jill: No, I just realized that over the past six weeks l haven’t bought a SINGLE pair of shoes…

Blender Blues

Jill: You’re in the kitchen…why are you in the kitchen? What are you destroying making?

Lill: Blueberry smoothie – want?

Jill: *Raises eyebrow* Erm…sure.

*Minutes later*

Lill: Blender lid doesn’t fit.

Jill: Oh right – the dishwasher warped it – you should probably abandon your smoothie-making project.

Lill: Ah.

Jill: *Eyes widen*

A Helpful Heel

Jill: Have you seen my other wedge heel?

Lill: Yes, under the door.

Jill: *Raises eyebrow*

Lill: I try.

Catch Of The Day

*Jill arrives home from work*

Jill: Hey Lill, sorry I’m late – have you eaten yet?

Lill: Yep, just finished.

Jill: What did you have?

Lill: A half pound of fish.

Jill: *Raises eyebrow* You hate fish…

Lill: True.

Jill: Riiight, so is this an attempt to try something new and expand your palate?

Lill: If you like.

Jill: *Claps hands* I’m proud of you Lillian! Where did you order from? The fish & chip place around the corner?

Lill: No, Pepperidge Farm.

Jill: …

Action Movie

*Jill arrives home from a date*

Lill: How was the movie?

Jill: *Raises eyebrows* Erm…good…

Lill: What did you end up seeing?


Lill: *Raises eyebrow* Can’t remember darling?

Jill: *Cough* There was a space ship – something sci-fi…

Lill: Good effort – at least you remembered the genre this time.

Jill: Alfie is…distracting.

Lill: Hmph, maybe you should see something with more action next time?

Jill: Any more action and I’d be calling you for bail…

Bottle Syndrome

*Jill arrives home from work*

Jill: Lillian, why is there a box of empties sitting in the hallway? I thought Margaret and John’s kid usually scooped them up on Tuesdays?

Lill: *Cough* Apparently after enduring a herniated disc from last week’s load, he said we needed the change for rehab more than he did for a PlayStation 4.

Jill: *Raises eyebrow* I guess that also explains the pamphlet for addiction control taped to the front door…

Damaged Goods

Jill: *Sniff* I’m not ready to let go…

Lill: Sweetie, it’s time.

Jill: *Sob* I can’t Lill!! It would be like losing a piece of myself!

Lill: There’s nothing left to fight for Jillian.

Jill: NO! I don’t accept this – we were too good together!

Lill: *Sigh* You really did make a lovely pair…

Jill: *Sniff* And I’ll never find a better replacement.

Lill: Not likely, no.

Jill: *Sob* Did you get my ice cream?

Lill: In the freezer Lovely – I’ll go get you a spoon.

Jill: *Sniff* Thanks Lill – I don’t know what I would do without you.

Lill: Atta girl – the worst is over now – you’ll be fine in a few weeks I promise.

Jill: *Sniff* How am I going to get over this Lillian?! This can NEVER happen again – I couldn’t endure it…

Lill: Well…I’ll let the Super know that washing machine #3 is eating clothes and we’ll find you a new cashmere hoody this weekend – sound good?

Jill: *Sniff* I’m not ready yet.


Out Damn Spot!

*Lill calls Jill at work*

Jill: I’m about to FIRE my assistant – you have 45 seconds.

Lill: Yeesh, what’s with the Friday AM vitriol? Normally you’re not this pissy until at least 3 o’clock.

Jill: Did you know that I had tea-stains on my khaki skirt when I left the apartment this morning??!! How in the hell does tea STAIN khaki??!! They’re both BROWN!!

Lill: I didn’t notice – I wasn’t even aware that you owned anything khaki –  it’s quite a departure from your usual lycra, spandex and fishnet.

Jill: *Grumble* I found it in the back of my closet.

Lill: Looking to reboot your late nineties wardrobe? The Gap marketing team will be delighted.

Jill: *Sigh* We had a visiting delegation from the Middle East.

Lill: …and you thought it would be best to look like sand?

Jill: *Sigh* I need to go.

Lill: …to fire your assitant?

Jill: ARGH!! She tried to get the tea-stain out and now I have a STAIN-remover-stain hovering three inches above my crotch – it’s blue.

Lill: Hmm…apparently wearing khaki is bad for business…

Jill: *Sigh* Thank you Lillian – I’ll be sure to capture this lesson when I pen my professional memoirs.

Lill: So I take it we’ll be drinking our dinner tonight then?

Jill: Definitely.

Lill: Clear fluids only?

Jill: *Sigh* Obviously.